A new love affair
Oh shit…. Fuck I am the only one that always will be there physical in my life, I am the only one… all the rest is there for a while to love and enjoy, I have to separate from them all one day…
Laying alone in my bed late at night having that insight, and for the first time I did not totally freak out, I felt both peace and a oh shit, then I really have to get a good relationship with myself…
I have always been a person being addicted to others, being afraid of loosing and being afraid of being alone with myself. That is slowly changing and the big shield I have had around my heart is also slowly transforming into love…
You can never loose love you have shared – you can only turn your back to it or close you heart to it I also heard in my mind… And oh my Good that I have done so much in this life –closing my heart, both to myself and to others, and then felt sorry for myself for being lonely and thinking I was unloved…
In the bed that night I felt a deep soft love for myself for the first time ever, and also a new curiosity, a wanting to let go of all the labels I have on myself and instead ask: “Who is this person”?
I started like a blind person to touch the face with my fingertips, soft and with an open mind, and my fingers felt this soft beautiful vulnerable beeing, I continued with the feet and hands and the body started to cry. It was as if I for the first time was open and kind to myself, seeing instead of judging, giving the body and soul what it have longed for for so long – to really being felt and seen with an open mind – something I have always trying to get from others… Hearing in my head my female tantra teacher saying with love, “You have to give it to your self first…” now understanding what she was meaning…
2 weeks ago I attended the Heart Core Womens Retreat with the New Tantra, and it has been one of the best thing I have ever done for myself, and for now I have no clue what the long term effects from the weekend will be, but I know that I will never be the same again, and for everyday that passes something new is opening up, and I am amazed how much one weekend can start a deep change in your life…
I feel soft, open, vulnerable, strong, angry, happy, sad, joyful, hopeful and most of all I feel humble and grateful for this amazing life I have on this earth. I am so blessed and so loved, and now I start to se it more and more. And I am so looking forward to the new lifelong love affair I have started with myself <3
Thank you
Kat