Would i date me?
Nearly 4 years ago my husband and I had a couple session with a great therapist. We were stuck in our marriage, were bored with each other and did not know how to change it. Like most people we blamed the other one for our problems. It was a very giving and tough session with a lot of looking ourselves in the mirror, to see our own doing in the relationship, and I remember sitting in the forest the next day, burning in the good way with shame for all the stuff I had put on my partner, by not wanting to look at my own doing. Now 4 years after we still work on what we learned in the session.
One of the tasks we got was to stand in front of the mirror and look at ourselves and ask the question: If I was a man/woman would I date me? If the answer was no, then the next question was: What do I need to change, so I would date me? Both of us got a big NO looking in the mirror the first time. Not only that we looked very boring in the way we dressed and kept our body, but also the look in the eyes. So a big journey started after that session, a confronting and challenging journey to stay awake and to stay attractive, not only to your partner but also to ourselves. Because why should your partner want to be with you, if you did not want to be with yourself?
Now 4 years after we both want to date ourselves and we do not any longer having a boring life together. Another great task we also do now is, when we have some stuff on the other one, we use some of Byron Katies work about projections. So when I want to complain about something my partner does, I start by saying: I am a….. Instead of saying you are…. That practice keep us awake to see where we still project stuff on each other, and help us take care of the relationship. Sometimes it is projections and the exercise helps us see that, and sometimes the other one are doing what we are seeing, and then the person just says, you got me there, and then we do the best to change our bad behavior. Once in a while we do a “cleaning” in the relationship, and we take some time to say all the stuff we think about the other one, by saying I am….
Another great task we also do very often now is to appreciate 5 things about the other one.We try to do it every week, at least one time. We sit or lay together and one are starting to say one thing the other one are saying/doing that they like, and then the other one says one thing and so on. It keeps us to staying open and connected with each other. We also sometimes do it when we are away from each others, then we do it on sms or mail.
For us the relationship is a gift that we need to take care of and not take for granted. It is no longer a place where we can treat the other one like shit, throwing all our old pain in the face of the other one hoping that we finally can be healed and whole, if the other one do what we think we need to hear to get healed. We did that for a long time, like most people do, and I feel very grateful for the session we got and for all the friendly wake-up calls we got then,and for the persistence and the commitment we both has shown during the last 4 years of our marriage, and all the new tasks we have founded since that day.
With love Katarina